Monday, March 30, 2009

IVF Consult/ Done!

I don't have the energy to go through all of the details tonight, but it has been a very full day.  In a nutshell, we will be cycling in April with an estimated egg retrieval the first week of May.  It looks like the RE prefers 5 day blastocyst transfers, so we can freak out for 5 days until we see what the good ones look like.  We will be doing what I believe to be the antagonist protocol.  I am not taking birth control pills or doing Lupron shots, so there will not be any suppression.  I will simply wait for my dear AF and begin stims of Follistim and Menopur on cd2.  Ganirelix will be added into the mix at some point to prevent the lead follies from ovulating too early.  Then after embryo transfer, I will begin the joyful giant PIO in the ass shots.  All I can think of is Charlotte on Sex and the City with that giant bruise on her back side.  Of course it will all be worth it when Baby Sunshine becomes a reality!

We have many appointments between now and then, and I will keep everyone updated.  First thing is our meds instruction a week from tomorrow, followed by our ART facility orientation that same evening.  I work every day between now and then, so that should help keep the obsessing at bay.   But just a little fun obsessing to get me through....if AF arrives on April 20, Baby Sunshine's due date will be January 25th.  If two little embies snuggle in tight, we may have Christmas babies on our hands.  And, with our potential ET/ER dates, I very well could have our embabies floating in my uterus for Mother's Day.  I know it would be too soon to actually be pregnant, but somehow just knowing they will be in there makes the day more tolerable.  OK, done obsessing....much better than my negative side though, right???

Sunday, March 29, 2009

IVF Consult tomorrow

We have officially reached that point.  We need the biggest help available if we stand any chance of having a family.  It's hard to accept that we are broken.  I guess I prefer to think that while it's possible that we could conceive naturally at some point, I don't have the time or patience to wait for that dream cycle.  I do know that after we have a child we will never use birth control again.  I will definitely feel the need to test the theory and all the ridiculous claims about "relaxing".

In preparation for tomorrow I have read "The Couples Guide to In Vitro Fertilization" pretty much cover to cover.  I ordered it off of Amazon on Wednesday and was given an estimated delivery date of  the 31st.  It arrived two days ago, and I devoured it like a hungry animal.   As with so many things IF related, I was shocked at how much I already knew.  I probably would have been fine without the book, but for anyone else facing this scary possibility it is a good read.

So now I am just plain scared.  Scared that my eggs stink, scared of putting lots of drugs/hormones in my body, scared of going postal on someone at work and getting fired, scared of it not working, scared of spending all of that money and not having a child to show for it, scared that I will continue to grow more bitter and angry and distant from anyone who has a family, scared.....scared......scared!  I pray that our appointment tomorrow is helpful and brings me some much needed hope.

Friday, March 20, 2009

So incredibly difficult

It's over again just like last time.  All of the good karma like triggering on my dad's birthday proved to be nothing more than just another footnote in this soul-shattering journey.  I cried through the night, sucked it up and went to work, and called to schedule our IVF consult.  I even called my mom last night and confessed to doing IUI #2, something I had kept from her to protect her from the pain.  Oddly in her dementia-wrecked mind, she went on and on about Obama being on Leno and how smart she thought that was.  I lost count of how many times she asked if we had it on.  I patiently continued to say, "no" as I cried into the phone.

I feel bad for Pierce.  I know this is equally hard on him; however, I wonder if he has a chance to grieve when all of his energy is spent saving me from myself.  I often feel that our relationship is the only evidence that God hasn't given up on me.  I am so blessed to have met and married this extraordinary man.

I don't want to say much more about this cycle because it's over, it hurts, and now we move on. Our consult is scheduled for March 30.  I think that gives me just the right amount of time to pull myself back up without rushing into more emotional turmoil.  I'm more scared than I have ever been.  Thank you to everyone who has called, commented and given words of encouragement.  I can't imagine where I would be without the amazing circle of support we have around us.  Please keep us in your prayers.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

9 dpiui psychosis

I am starting to freak out.  Freak out almost to the point that I'm scared to blog about it.  But that's silly.  What's done is done.  Either I am knocked up or not.  I can't jinx the result by blogging about it.  IUI #1 ended tragically on 10 dpiui.  If I remember correctly I had some hints to its impending doom the day before.  No hints today, and today is almost over.  I just keep saying if I make it to Friday, I will be feeling pretty confident.  Until then I am on tp watch.  

I am asymptomatic, so nothing is encouraging me to think I am pg.  I tend to not have symptoms with most things though.  My hypothyroidism went undiagnosed for who knows how long.  My doctor said, "You must be feeling miserable!"  I wasn't.  Just a little tired and cold and packing on the pounds, but I've had weight issues most of my life.  Who knew?  When I was diagnosed with high blood pressure, I also had no clue.  So I s'pose I could be pregnant and have no idea.  I prefer to think that is the case.  We'll all know soon enough.  Hopefully I'll be posting a great beta number and not a post full of expletives.  Stay tuned...

Please, Dear Lord, let this be the end of our long journey.  Please bless us with a little one.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

1 week down!

As always I had intended to right sooner, but time has not been on my side this week.  I guess that is sort of a good thing as it keeps me from obsessing during the 2ww.  First of all, the lowdown on IUI #2:
Monday, March 9  Pierce took his sample the ARTS facility at 9:15.  Around 11 we picked up our cup of 24.5 million swimmers and headed to the RE.  We actually saw our RE for the insemination (relief!), but he was done in less than 5 minutes, wished us luck and left.  I remember being excited last time.  This time I laid on the table and cried.  I am so scared of this not working.  The first time I thought for sure it would work.  Now I know that it definitely does not always turn out well.  I really struggle with being negative because I do believe very strongly in the power of positive energy; however, my self-preservation instinct has taken over. I did develop some OHSS symptoms again on Tuesday.  They were not nearly as bad as last time though.  I did manage to suffer through work on Tuesday, even though it was nearly impossible to pick out something to wear that would hide my bloated belly.  I slept hard Tuesday night and woke up Wednesday feeling completely fine.   I will not have a progesterone test this time (would be tomorrow) because my test results were so strong last time that they are confident that my body makes plenty.   My final step for this process is beta on 3/23, one week from tomorrow.  That is assuming AF doesn't show her ugly face beforehand.  Last IUI I was already on cd4 of the next cycle when we hit our beta date.  All I can do is put it in God's hands.  I know he has a plan for us, but he sure isn't offering up much insight.  And as far as that not giving me more than I can handle thing, well I do believe that threshold has been about reached as well.   I really don't want to turn into a bitter old woman!

In other news, it seems that I am the only person I know who feels that infertility  or trying to conceive in general is a private topic.  As evidence I will present two different scenarios that I have "witnessed" in the past week and have nearly made me want to bang my head on my desk or in one case, the dinner table.  #1 My dear husband takes his sample in to be processed last Monday.  While at the facility he runs into our neighbor's brother who we have met once at a birthday party.  Now while all of the other dudes in the place are trying to hide their faces behind magazines, here is my husband, starting up a conversation with this guy and telling him all about how we are on IUI #2.  I think I would likely be just as embarrassed if he brought up the fact that we were trying, and we had just had sex.  I don't know that it's the procedure that bothers me so much as just the simple fact that IT'S NO ONE'S BUSINESS!!!!  OK #2  This one is even better.  One of my best friends was in town and staying at out house for a few days.  This, by the way, is also one of my excuses for not blogging sooner.  Anyway, she met this guy on E Harmony, and they had a date last Tuesday night.  The date went well, and he asked if she would like to go out Wednesday night as well.  He knew that she was staying with friends and suggested that all four of us meet for dinner.  So we all agreed on a place and met around 7:30.  Shortly after being seated, my friend started picking out a bottle of wine.  Some discussion ensued about whether or not to get a bottle, and my friend told her date that she and I could finish a bottle ourselves.  I quietly reminded her that I was not drinking, as we had discussed on the phone earlier.  And she said, "Oh, that's right I forgot".  She turns to her date and says, "Sunshine got inseminated on Monday!"  as if she were announcing I got some great job promotion.  OMG!  Seriously?  The next day she sort of apologized to Pierce, claiming she was drunk before she got to the restaurant.  I've seen her drunk many times.  Me don't think so.

Just to make this week complete, Pierce and I attended a baby shower tonight.  This was my first one since the beginning of our journey, and it was tough.  One of the things that made it easier to be there was knowing that this couple had a long difficult journey as well.  I don't know how I would feel at a shower for someone who had it easy.  I am sure I will get my chance to find out someday, but hopefully that day will come long after our babies are here.  I don't really think that the birth of our babies will make me feel any different about fertiles because I will always know that I am an infertile no matter what.  I am pretty sure that feeling will never go away.  Part of me knows that that will make me a better mother, and although I wish we had never had to go through any of this hell I know I am a stronger person.  I am able to smile through a baby shower and hug the pregnant girl while my heart breaks inside.  I am able to go to work and run my department even after AF shows up that morning, and all I want to do is curl up in bed and cry.  I am building so much character that sometimes I think there should be two of me: Sunshine and Rainstorm.  The only one who really gets to meet Rainstorm is Pierce. I guess since he puts up with that, I can forgive him for outing us to the neighbor's brother.

I promise to try to write more often.  It does get rather lengthy when I go in these week-long intervals.  As I said earlier, I haven't obsessed much this cycle, but usually I don't start until the second week.  I pray this 2ww has a happy ending.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Here we go again.  IUI #2 is in the morning, and again, I am very hopeful.  Round Two has seemed to go more smoothly, and dare I say I feel like an expert.  When we left the RE on Saturday I said to Pierce that I thought it was odd that we had not seen our RE since the last IUI.  I know that he adjusted my meds because a nurse called to change my protocol, but I have not actually seen him since he told me to put my feet together and stay on the table a few minutes after IUI #1.  I did meet the other RE in the office on Saturday.  He came by to introduce himself and confirm that pushing IUI#2 to Monday was the best idea.  So basically, I have been at the mercy of the sono-lady, Favorite Nurse, and Other Nurse.

As of Saturday, I had 3 lead follies at 19.5, 16, and 15.5, and my lining was at 14.7.  There were three other follies at 14.5,14.5, and 14.  The big question was whether to give me the trigger shot Saturday morning to release the 3 and have the IUI today or to wait and trigger Saturday evening , give the other 3 a chance to grow a little more, and have the IUI on Monday.  All agreed that since next stop on the IF train is IVF to go with Plan B.  Pierce gave me the trigger shot last night around 9:15, and our appointment is tomorrow at 11:30.  Last time our IUI took place about 10-12 hours prior to ovulation.  This time it should be right around or slightly after.  This is just the slight change I needed to give me renewed faith in the process.  If something is just a little bit different, then I can rationalize in my mind that I can expect different results.  Pray for them, as I have been for the past week. 

I will update tomorrow when I get home, assuming I don't develop OHSS again.  I feel less medicated this time, so hopefully no issues with hyperstimulation.  Wish us luck.  This is probably our last chance for a 2009 baby.  I am trying not to think of it that way, but I am a sucker for looking at the due date calendar.  Right now December 4 is Baby Sunshine's due date, and I like it. : )

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Different this time....

We are currently stimming for IUI #2.  It feels so different from IUI #1.  I guess I am disenchanted with the whole process this time around, but I do remember thinking last time that it wasn't that big of a deal until the nurses started telling me how great things were going.  Damn nurses!  I won't fall for that again!  But seriously, I am trying to be positive and believe that this can work this time.  I know lots of ladies who have been successful on IUI #2.  I can...I will be one of them.  I will.  That's all there is to it!

AF showed last Friday morning and presented me with some interesting logistical problems. I was already at work, of course, and the hospital is about 30 miles from work.  I called the RE, assuming that they would see me Saturday morning for a baseline u/s, but I was told they don't do those on Saturdays.  She proceeded to let me know that I had to get to their office by 11:15 if I wanted to start treatment this cycle.  Otherwise, I had to wait this one out.  Waiting = Hell no!  I started panicking but told her I would make it.  I had less than an hour.  I tried to call my boss twice, no answer.  Tried to find my assistant, MIA.  Called HR and left a message for my boss, scribbled a note to my assistant, and ran out the door in my flip-flops but carrying my heels, ran through the mall to the parking garage, elevator to the fifth floor, drove like a crazy woman and made it by 11:10.

Pierce was there waiting for me.  We were only in the waiting room briefly, and then we went to the room that I have come to know so well.  The nurse found only 1 remaining cyst but warned me that they may not proceed with treatment due to the size (19 mm).  We were not happy with that thought.  I got dressed and went to the next room, where Favorite Nurse was waiting for us.  Favorite Nurse gave us the thumbs up, and after some scrambling to figure out how to get me more meds over the weekend, sent us on our merry way.  4 days of 150iu of Follistim and first follie check on Thursday. 

Tomorrow is shot #4, and I am dying to know what my little follies will look like this time around.  I have heard from some that it is a crap shoot, and I shouldn't expect this cycle to go like the last.  I guess since I didn't like the end result that maybe that's a good thing.  Things seemed to progress and go very well the first time.  I think even Favorite Nurse is stumped as to why I am not knocked up already.  I have ramped up the wheatgrass and started taking a thyroid support supplement.  My TSH was down to 2.6 three weeks ago, so that shouldn't be preventing me from getting pregnant.  I don't know what else I can do but pray.