Some thoughts on eggs

Ironic that I am writing this at breakfast time and thinking, "hmmmm,  eggs and bacon sound good today", but I am thinking about other eggs.  My legacy eggs, the ones that leave that stamp on the world long after I have gone to Heaven, the ones that are raising so many questions and causing me sleepless nights and anxiety that sends me to a dark and scary place where I end up alone, childless, and wallowing in self-pity.  Let me first clarify that the only one who is taking issue with my eggs at this point is me, Sunshine, not a doctor, not the statistics, JUST ME (with the hand placement and the pop of Jack McFarland on Will & Grace).

Pierce and I went to the RE for another ultrasound last Tuesday in hopes of starting IUI #2 and found out that since my egg production was so successful (HA) first time around that I am now left with about 5 cysts on my ovaries.  Cysts=break cycle ie. no treatment.  Yes, I know miracles happen, and I know of several Nestie babies who are the product of break cycles but I wasn't prepared to be sent home to try on our own yet again.  Faced with yet another month of waiting, Pierce asked about moving on to IVF.  I was still processing the "just try to have intercourse on days 10,12, and 14" comment when he put it out there.  I was glad he did: I didn't have the courage yet.  

We were told we could set up the consult.  The nurse did some quick math and said that we could be looking at egg retrieval the end of March or beginning of April. :::head still spinning::: She then said, "The good news is that based on your egg production this last cycle, they should be able to get a lot of really great eggs from you."  Then the question that I had not yet considered, much less said out loud, came flying out of my mouth, "Just because I made a lot of eggs doesn't necessarily mean that they are good, right?"  This nurse is one of those super optimistic, glass half full types, and I wonder if my RE has seen her in action.  He has never been one to get my hopes up, and although frustrating, I do think he's pretty awesome.  She quickly checked my chart and referred to my estrogen level during the cycle, citing it as some evidence that most likely my eggs were fine.  I also know that my FSH is 6.8, which I know is great for someone my age, but I think that only means I have a lot of eggs in my reserve.  I don't know if it has any indication as to quality.

We left the office with orders to go forth, have sex, and report back upon next period.  I have been tossing around the IVF consult for about 5 days now.  Most of the time I am ready to set up the appointment, but something keeps stopping me.  Crippling fear.  IVF is pretty much the last resort.  If that doesn't work, then I may be forced to face never having a biological child.  I don't have the luxury of multiple IVF cycles due to our insurance not covering such unimportant, non-life threatening issues as infertility.  It's kind of a one shot deal, $15 grand on the infertility craps table and no free cocktails.  One of my nestie buddies did a fresh IVF cycle last fall, and when they retrieved her eggs they did PGD testing and determined that not one of the eggs would lead to a viable pregnancy.  My heart broke for her.  She has since then regrouped and is undergoing IVF with donor eggs.  In a matter of weeks she should know if all her perseverance has paid off.  I pray for her often.  And then I wonder if I am next.

For those of you don't know me IRL, my quest for a biological child is not unlike most others'. However, there is one thing that makes my story unique.  A need to carry on a bloodline of a man who wasn't given much of a chance, my daddy.  My parents met in high school and married right out of college.  This concept boggles my mind as I know so few are emotionally prepared to make that kind of commitment at that age.  But I have always known that God did this for a reason.  My dad would die very young, at the age of 32.  My parents became pregnant shortly after they got married, and that pregnancy resulted in miscarriage #1.  I am not sure if there were others before me, but I have often thought about my big brother, Jeff,  who didn't make it.  Mom was pregnant again when my father passed away, but that baby went to live with big brother and our father.  I was my parents' miracle, the little fetus that could make it to the outside world, and the only real evidence that my father spent time on this planet. 

This is why we have to find that one good egg.  I still feel that it is in there, but it may take IVF to find it.  I think that I am ready to make that call.  One of my nestie buddies sent me an awesome quote that has really helped get me through the last week.  I will end with the words of FDR, "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." Thanks, Imizgala, that's what I intend to do.