I didn't expect this so soon or AT ALL

IUI #1 is a bust.  I can't believe I am writing this.  I know I am not the first, and I am sad to say, will not be the last.  This is so incredibly hard for me, and even when faced with spotting yesterday I could still find some hope.  No October baby or September twins for us.  God, this sucks.  Stupid period showed up this afternoon, and of course I was at work, putting on my game face.

Pierce is so incredibly wonderful through all of this even though I know he is hurting too.  I had to tell my mom and grandma tonight, and they were both very sweet about it.  My mom cried, and that broke my heart.  She has so little going on in her life, and I know she has been waiting for months for me to announce that she is going to be a grandma.  My grandmother is kind but always  the businesswoman.  She asked how much we were out after this first run, and I told her a couple thousand.  I told her we were considering asking about going straight to IVF instead of doing more IUIs.  I told her that I was checking into the Capital One fertility loans and was looking at $300-$500 per month payments for a $15,000 loan over 7 years.  She told me she didn't want us to take out any loans and she would help.  I guess that's better than making her cry.  The woman is healthy as a horse, and I really hope we have the opportunity for a four generation photo before she's gone.

So let's see...back to my confusion...what have I learned in this process....

I have learned that it seems like my body works just fine on most counts for an old lady.  I always have to throw in the "old" thing because I am constantly reminded at the doctor that I am advanced maternal age.  But my FSH is 6.8 and anything under 10 is considered good.  I made eggs like a crazy person under the influence of Follistim to the point that one nurse commented, "Lots of women would kill to have this cycle".  Great.   So what gives?  Pierce's sperm rock for an old dude.  The RE deemed his sample totally normal.  39 million, for heaven's sake, it only takes one, right?  So how do 6 chicks and 39 million guys show up at the same party, yet no one hooks up?  In my single days, there were far less guys out and about and I always found someone interesting to at least have a drink with.  I mean, REALLY!  But in all seriousness, I don't know how I can optimistically go through the exact same process again and expect different results.  Isn't that the definition of insanity?

When we met with the RE for the first time back in May, he told us the game plan was 3 IUIs then move on to IVF.  Pierce's urologist suggested the same course of action.  I don't know if the plan can change or not.  I would think that if I am the one with the money (OK if Grams is the one with the money) then I should have some say in this deal.  Other than simply wanting a child or two sooner rather than later, I still remain skeptical about continuing to ask for time off from work for treatments.  Folks are losing their jobs every minute, and I am terrified of becoming one of them.  I do think I have some sort of understanding with my boss since she has experience in this area, but our relationship is too new and I don't feel the trust.  I know there is never a good time to be going through infertility, but right now seems to be one of the very worst.