Happy Easter, yet such an emotional day

I started today by taking my temperature.  Not so unusual in the whole ttc realm of things.  I think I am 9dpo.  I think I actually o'd despite having a heavily medicated cycle last month.  Then, not true to form at all, I got up and tested.   BFN.  Not unusual at all for 9dpo.  My reasoning, of course, is that if we should be so lucky as to conceive naturally is that I want to find out ASAP before my IVF meds are shipped.  They will be sent tomorrow.  I guess I am committed.  I guess prayers are not enough.  I will test again in the morning because the meds are sent from Phoenix (very ironic) and I have a 2 hour grace period.

Lots of girls on the TTC after 35 board have gotten their BFP's lately. I thought it might be a good omen for us.  I also feel bad because I have been in this position before.  Multiple BFP's usually means that someone will miscarry.  It is sad to think about, but I will be there for all of them.  I feel ill-equipped, never having been pregnant myself.  The statistics just stink for us older girls.

I do think I have done a bit to piss off a few of the ladies on my board lately.  Of course it is not intentional, but there is the reality of my situation.  18  months, no pregnancy.  Sorry, but that's my reality.  If I could change it I would.  I have flirted with the idea of moving over to the TTTC board, but I feel like TTC over 35 is my home.  If I am evicted, I will go begrudgingly, but I feel like I have a lot to offer my home board.  If any of you read this blog, I am sorry if I offended you.  My personal  journey is difficult, and if you don't want to read about it, please, skip over my posts.

Tomorrow is our mock transfer. Wednesday is our ultrasound to check for cysts, and then we wait for AF.  I just want to get this show on the road.  So tired of waiting for my little ones. And so tired of apologizing for how I feel.  Thank the Lord for blogging!