I will be napping this afternoon!

Pierce left for work at 3:45am, and I have been awake ever since.  I didn't wake up when we got up or when he was getting ready, but that little "ding ding" sound the alarm makes when the garage door goes down put me a in a state of tossing/turning, getting up to pee, playing with the cat for awhile, and now, I guess, blogging.

Ultrasound/sonogram, whatever it is called, is in 3 hours and 45 minutes.  As if I am not anxious enough already, our RE has moved his office and I am not entirely sure where I am going.  It's actually pretty comical because we live just north of XX St., we are 2 stoplights away.  The RE's office is also on XX St., but it's a really long road that changes direction and loops around into another city and, almost, another county!  You would think if all I need to do is get on one road and go that I would be perfectly fine.  Hmmm....maybe I will.  But I think maybe is a bit clouded by thoughts of 

*will there be a heartbeat?

*what if they don't see anything?

*what if the first thing out of the doctor's mouth is "I'm so sorry"

*what if everything looks perfect?

*exactly how many babies are in there?

*when do I graduate to the OB?

*when can we stop the torturous PIO shots?

*is my thyroid/blood pressure OK?

Yes, I worry a lot.  I wish I could be like any number of other girls on the Bump boards who pee on a stick, get there BFP and announce it with a full-blown ticker right away.  I admire that confidence, or maybe a lot of it is innocence.  I have never had a miscarriage, yet I am in constant fear that something will go wrong with this pregnancy.  I have seen this crippling fear in many ladies who have lost babies, but I find it very confusing that I have adopted it in some form.  I think it's a combination of all of the months of let downs, all of the tests coming back normal and offering no clues as to why we weren't getting pregnant, and all of the time and, not to forget, the money we put in to this journey.  We are very fortunate not to be up to our eyeballs in infertility debt.  I think it's like when you become a teenager, and your parents tell you to go get a part time job and earn your own money because if you have to work hard for something and pay for it yourself, you will appreciate it more.  I am in no way implying that ladies who have gotten pregnant easily don't appreciate their babies.  I am simply saying that those ladies will never understand my heartache.  And for that I am extremely grateful.  I would wish it on no one.

I hope that today's ultra-gram/sono-sound will give me some sense of peace.  I really want to celebrate this miracle(s).  Not with the world, not yet, but with my husband, mom, grandma, and cat.  If all is well on my birthday, then we will let the world share in our sunshine.  Now that it is only 3 hours until our appointment at the mysterious location, it is time for me to shower and make all parts pretty and clean.  I'm not entirely sure if today involves over-the-belly action or my good 'ole friend, the dildo cam.  Either way, don't want to scare anyone!