Wednesday, June 17, 2009

No easy answer

So it looks like the 84% of you who voted twins were absolutely right; however, based on how tiny Baby B is the doctors give us little hope that we will ever be holding twins. Baby A is measuring 2 days ahead (7w5d at last week's sono) and has a fantastic heartbeat of 156 bpm! Baby B was measuring 6w1d and had a very slow heartbeat of 54 bpm. My heart sunk. How could one of my babies be doing so well and the other be barely clinging to life? I am also beginning to wonder about the people in which I have chosen to confide this information. I have actually had two people say to me, "Well, at least you've still got one" and "You could have had none." Does anyone here really think I am so fucking ungrateful as to not appreciate the one perfect baby that I am actually beginning to believe I will give birth to in January? Is it not possible that I could be truly 100% appreciative of this little miracle but at the same time be equally as sad that my other baby may never grow up as part of our family? Is it OK to say such horrible things simply because someone has yet to be born? If someone had two teenagers, and one of them was killed by a drunk driver would you ever say to that person, "Well, at least you've still got one" or "it could have been both of them"? So stupid and hurtful. I need new friends.

I managed to survive our annual work convention without any questions. There were a few raised eyebrows and I am sure many rumors started as I continuously turned down cocktails. After partaking in eight years of these fun fashion presentations followed by many late nights of drunken walks of shame, I would be fairly naive to escape without question. The funny thing is that I am always completely wiped out after the convention, and I always assumed it was from the late night antics. Turns out being 8 weeks pregnant makes you feel equally as tired and hungover. Hmmm....Don't worry everyone: If I am lucky enough to still be employed next year, I will more that make up for this year.

So, tomorrow we will go back to the OBGYN. I am excited to see Baby A again and hear the beautiful heartbeat. I am terrified to see what's going on with Baby B. We have been told of the "vanishing twin" phenomenon and that it is possible that I will go in for the sono and the other baby will simply be gone. No bleeding, no pain, simply absorbed by my body and gone. And then there's Mr. Optimism, my dear husband, who believes that Baby B will have a stronger heartbeat and will have grown significantly over the past week. I love him so very much, and God knows I want to believe what he believes. It's just so hard. What lesson is God trying to teach me here? Does He believe that carrying twins to term would be too physically demanding on me and threaten my health? Does He feel we can't afford two babies and would struggle too much? Does Baby B have Down's or Trisomy 13, and this is all part of Darwin's law? I may never know. For now it's just one day at a time.


  1. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! Twins --- that great. Maybe Baby B is a little behind Baby A with implantation and therefore he/she needs a little bit more time in catchin up!!!
    As far as the stupid, ignorant comments, I can honestly say from experience......people are idiots!!! When my sister was killed (2 hours after turning 17), there actually were people who said, "Atleast you still have the other 3 children left....atleast this wasn't your ONLY child and now you are left with none..atleast you have other siblings and aren't left with no one now!!!!" I find that when something horrible happens, people tend to use the "idiot brain" and say the most horrible, stupid things!!!
    Keeping you, Baby A and Baby B in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!

  2. Congrats!!!!!!!! I am so happy for you both! It's amazing how god has blessed you on your 1st cycle!!!! As for the stupid comments from your friends... I don't believe they were trying to be hurtful or intentionally malicious. In difficult situtations (or if they are ignorant) people don't know what to say, so they say what they THINK is best and forget that maybe they just need to be there for their friend. I am so so so sorry for your loss. I too just went through my first cycle (one week after you), had two embies transferred, but only on attached and is thriving. I know it's difficult and no matter what they people say your pain runs deep, but don't push people away. Congrats again and I wish you guys the best!!!!!!

  3. My coworker lost a twin early in her 2nd pregnancy and she still mourns the loss. Her suriving son is now 9. So for your friends who said those things to you, they just don't know. I agree with mar-bear that they don't know what to say.

    I will hope and pray for the best for your babies. Following your progress and pulling for you.