Sunday, July 22, 2012

Moving on

So here I am again...three months later.   I still miss Hope.  I think I always will.  I think I wish I had never known about the possibility of twins.  When I looked at the picture of her from 2009 before she was frozen and compared it to the picture after she was thawed a couple of months ago, I could see only one cellular mass.  Hope's id twin died in a test tube, of this I feel certain.

Pierce is going to call the RE tomorrow about a donor egg consult.  Our wish is that I be pregnant by Christmas.  I don't know if this is a reasonable wish in the world of donor matching, but it is time for us to move forward.  Last week I celebrated my 43rd birthday.  That morning I felt sadness that my birthdays don't seem special to me anymore.  I thought about the day that Miller was born and allowed myself to feel the intensity of that joy again.  Then I pictured my parents on the day I was born, and then my birthday felt amazing again.  It didn't matter what I got for presents or what I did with my day, I knew that 43 years ago I made two great peoples' dreams come true.  I pray with all my heart that I feel that amazing joy again.  I pray that I don't feel differently that the baby isn't biologically mine.  I pray that Miller knows a joy I have never known, what it is like to have a sibling.  I know that our odds  of this turning out well are better than anything we have done previously.  I am still completely terrified.

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