So here I am again...three months later. I still miss Hope. I think I always will. I think I wish I had never known about the possibility of twins. When I looked at the picture of her from 2009 before she was frozen and compared it to the picture after she was thawed a couple of months ago, I could see only one cellular mass. Hope's id twin died in a test tube, of this I feel certain.
Pierce is going to call the RE tomorrow about a donor egg consult. Our wish is that I be pregnant by Christmas. I don't know if this is a reasonable wish in the world of donor matching, but it is time for us to move forward. Last week I celebrated my 43rd birthday. That morning I felt sadness that my birthdays don't seem special to me anymore. I thought about the day that Miller was born and allowed myself to feel the intensity of that joy again. Then I pictured my parents on the day I was born, and then my birthday felt amazing again. It didn't matter what I got for presents or what I did with my day, I knew that 43 years ago I made two great peoples' dreams come true. I pray with all my heart that I feel that amazing joy again. I pray that I don't feel differently that the baby isn't biologically mine. I pray that Miller knows a joy I have never known, what it is like to have a sibling. I know that our odds of this turning out well are better than anything we have done previously. I am still completely terrified.