Infertility Cure

Tonight as I was watching "The Bachelor", on a commercial it was suggested that I tune in at 10 to find out what might cure my infertility.  I'm in...I know they are talking to me personally, after all, who else needs this information?  I waited the extra hour for my miracle cure, only to hear a news story about obese women having weight reduction surgery and getting knocked up almost immediately.  Their miracle, not mine.  I am a bit chubby, would be much happier 10-15 pounds lighter (thank you, Mrs. Thyroid), but I am not obese.  Not even in the danger zone on the BMI chart.  Teased again.....

Then I began to think about all of the things we have done/changed in the last year in the name of baby.  The number of supplements I ingest daily is enough to make the GNC guy's head spin. Even worse is the way I have to plan to take them to maximize their potential.  Here's a typical day in my tummy:

6:00 am - Synthroid .125 - must wait an hour after taking before eating anything

7:00  Green tea for breakfast- less caffeine than coffee and proven to help produce fertile cervical fluid

8:00 5 Wheat Grass pills to increase energy and improve egg quality, known to decrease FSH even though mine is already very good

Nothing crazy during the work day.  Healthy lunch with lots of fruit, veggies and yogurt.  Drink 3 liters of water, which leads to lots of peeing and usually green from all of the wheat grass.

7:00 pm - Home again.  Make herbal tea.  No green tea at night as it prevents the absorption of folic acid.  It is now time for Vitamin D3, spirulina, kelp, fish oil, evening primrose oil, and prenatal vitamins.  Down all this with another light and healthy meal.  Take blood pressure meds before turning in, and we are done for the day.

Lather, rinse, repeat....

After our RE appointment tomorrow, I assume we will add the injections to the nightly routine. I am thinking somewhere between prenatals and blood pressure but definitely close to the passing out point.  Pierce doesn't want to be awake when my head starts spinning around and the pea soup starts flying.  I am so looking forward to it.

The theme of this rambling is, "We Have Tried Anything and Everything" that been suggested. I resent when morons imply that we are doing something wrong.  Yes, we know how to have sex. In fact, we are pretty damn good at it.  It's just the babymaking that needs some help.  But it is not for a lack of trying.

I have:

*taken my basal body temperature for 15 cycles, charted my cervical fluid, and cervix position (don't ask!) for the same amount of time

*used uber-expensive lube that is supposedly "sperm friendly" to try to facilitate the swimmers' journey

*laid in bed with my legs in the air for 15-20 minutes or until all of the blood rushed to my head

*peed on hundreds of sticks to pinpoint my exact ovulation date and time the act more accurately

*peed on at least 10 sticks in hopes that "This was our lucky month!"

*had a painful HSG to check that my tubes were clear

*had my first date with the dildo-cam to check out the follicles on my ovaries

*had more vials of blood drawn than I could ever count

*had outpatient surgery to remove polyps

*eaten pineapple and drank pomegranate juice after ovulation to help with implantation

I know I am forgetting numerous other unusual behaviors we have exhibited in the pursuit of baby, but I think you get the idea.  We are willing to do just about anything to get this cat a playmate.  One year plus of trying does not mean we are clueless.  It simply means that we are struggling and holding on to any shred of hope we can find.  That's why I jump when the news is reporting the infertility cure.  Too good to be true, of course.  So now it's bed time: TV off, bp meds down, feet in air.

I never thought I would create one of these things!

A few months ago, a good friend of mine suggested that I blog so that she could keep up with what was going on in my life.  I was a bit offended and then embarrassed.  When did we all become so busy that we couldn't pick up a phone to learn what was going on in each others' lives? When did we stop getting together?  And when did my life become so sad that I would feel like I had nothing great to talk about?

What Dee (name changed) didn't know is that I am battling infertility.  OK, I said it out loud.  Yes, I feel defective and am more than a little self-conscious admitting it, but infertility affects 1 in 8 women so I know I am in good company.  What's really difficult is that it doesn't seem to affect anyone I know.  I feel entirely alone and am hoping that blogging about my journey will help me find my way.

Here's a bit of background, just to bring everyone up to speed.

November 3, 2007  I married the man of my dreams at 38 years old.  I was married for 8 1/2 years and divorced in 2003.  Divorce was the most difficult life change I had ever been through, but my ex did not want children and I could no longer accept life without a family.  I have no regrets and still believe he is a good person, just not the right person for me. Our divorce was final 5 years ago yesterday, and the date still brings me to tears when I remember standing before the judge and saying good-bye to many years of my life.

We started trying to conceive (ttc) shortly after our wedding.  I really had not done my research and am embarrassed to admit how clueless I was about the entire process in the beginning.  I figured if 16 year-old girls can achieve pregnancy in the back seat of cars on regular basis, how hard can it really be?  After one BFN (big fat negative) I started using ovulation predictor kits.  I got positive results from these kits each month, so I felt confident that we had good timing; however, we never received a positive home pregnancy test (HPT).  After 6 months of trying on our own and receiving news of multiple friends achieving pregnancy when "they weren't really trying yet" (bleh!), we sought the guidance of one of the leading fertility docs in our area.  I had a hysterosalpingogram to check my tubes, which were clear, but my uterus looked a little "bumpy".  It turns out I had polyps in my uterus.  I had surgery in September to remove them.  I also had baseline ultrasounds and lots of bloodwork.  All of this came back fine.  Actually, more than fine, given my age.  My husband, who I will call Pierce due to my current Pierce Brosnan obsession, also had a semen analysis which had rock star results.  I knew enough about IF (infertility) at this point to know that it was much more manageable if it didn't involve MFI (male factor infertility).

I also paid a visit to my PCP who diagnosed me with high blood pressure and hypothyroidism.  I was put on meds for both, but my thyroid was seriously out of control and has taken 5 months to get under control.  But back to the baby doc....  We were told that we had to wait 3 months after my surgery  to start "treatment".  That would put us right about now.  Apparently he wants to start next month.  I figure he wants to take Christmas vacation with his wife and three girls, I mean who wouldn't?  The nurse in his office assured me that he has his reasons because he is "so good!" and I should just keep the faith.  We are on our 3rd natural cycle since the surgery and still hoping for a miracle.  Around January 5 (Happy Birthday, Mom!) I should be starting injections of fertility drugs for artificial insemination.  We have no insurance benefits to cover these treatments, so I am hopeful that IUI will be the answer to our prayers. If we need IVF, we are looking at $15,000.00 for a fresh cycle.  I hope that all of you fertiles out there now understand how fortunate and blessed you are.  Getting knocked up is not always just a matter of stopping the Pill and throwing caution to the wind.

So here I sit, listening to Harry Connick Jr. Christmas, in my beautifully decorated home, with my wonderful new husband, baking Christmas cookies, and I am SAD.  We have all the love in the world...we have great jobs....we have a nice house and a wonderful cat, but somehow we feel empty.  Christmas is not the same without children.  I feel like the only girl in the mall without a stroller.  Common sense would say, "Stay out of the mall!" but I work there and I work there now more than I do the rest of the year.  Next year I will be a mom....I keep repeating this over and over...I will believe this, I really will, but after 14 cycles I feel like I need a miracle.  I am a Christian, and I believe that that is what this time of year is all about; however, I am doubting my faith and blaming myself for waiting so long to try to become a mom.  I secretly detest women who get pregnant at 40 without any trouble, and I know more than a few of them.  There is nothing more painful.  I don't know what my father would think of all of this, but i guess that is another post in itself.  

I think I have covered all of the history.  I am crying like a baby!  I must reiterate at this time that my husband, Pierce, is the best husband in the world.  He is trying to cheer me up through all of this.  I would be lost without him.  He is stashing all of the Christmas cards that show pictures of my family members with their babies, especially one of my favorite cousins with his daughter, whose name is very similar to one of the names we had chosen for our daughter.  We can no longer use the name and that hurts.  I don't blame my cousin; he didn't know.  It just really sucks.  I want to believe in Santa again.  I want to believe in the tooth fairy, the Easter Bunny, and I want to believe that good things happen to those who have faith in the Lord, Jesus Christ, who died for my sins.  I am having trouble with all of this right now.  It is going to be a tough holiday season, and I have a bit of solitude in knowing this blog is  here for me and my thoughts.  Thank you for listening.